My Worst Fear
by Naoko1
Summary: This is a song fic to a song off of Rascal Flatts new CD. Called


I'm back to writing again! Ahh, it feels good to be back at the keyboard, typing away endlessly…….

I just got a new CD. Meaning, This is a songfic. Just a little announcement, eh, when I get new material to listen to, I write song fics to them.. This one isn't 1x2 for a change.

Its 3x4, and it's not the happiest fic. If you like chick flics where the guy is thinking about leaving, but the girl is already up and gone, you'd better read this.

This fic is based off of Track #11 "My Worst Fear" on the new Rascal Flatts album "Melt" that was released Tuesday. It's my favourite song. And like my first Cd…I'll probably wear this one out to the point where it's not going to work. I don't know if I'm going to write a fic to "These days."

I'm also working on a song fic to the song "Young" by Kenny Chesney. That one is going into massive revision, and probably wont be out for a while.

But here goes nothing. Hope you enjoy this people. This will probably be one of the only songfics I'll write with a sad ending.

Warning: Angsty. Shounen-ai, another chic flicky type fic. 3x4, Suicide. Trowa P.O.V. Mostly thoughts. Not a terrible lot of dialogue in here. 

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~Last night you gave me a kiss

You didn't know it, but I was awake when you did~

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~you were quiet, you were gonna let me sleep~

~so I just laid there pretending to be.~

Last night, I lay awake struggling over my own concience. I was going to leave. . . I don't know why I wanted to… Maybe I needed some time to myself. The war was over. Peace had settled over the colonies. Marimaea was living with Lady Une. No more factions, no more gundams, and no more fighting. 

You got up, and I pretended to be asleep. I noticed you were being more silent than you usually are, when you get out of bed in the middle of the night. I heard what sounded like a dull thud, like you dropped something on the floor. Then I felt you climb back in, and then your warm breath on my neck. And then I felt you kiss the side of my face.

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~You said some things you didn't know I could hear~

I heard you whispering some things to me... you were muttering so low, and some of it was in arabic, so I didn't understand the majority of it. I did manage to catch a few of your explanations.

But I did hear you say the words "I love you, Trowa." I heard that loud and clear.

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~And the words"I love you" never sounded so sincere~

~It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving

Now that I know, just how much you care

You finally gave me one good reason

Not to go, but staying here is my worst fear.~

As I lay there listening to you talk, I struggled to hold back tears. I wasn't about to let you know I was awake. I silently let one stray tear slide down my face. I began to debate my reasoning for wanting to leave. In reality, It was really stupid. But it won over once again, and it strengthened my resolve to leave. 

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~This morning I rolled out of bed

recalling all the sweet things you said~

When I woke up, I found my thoughts straying to last night, and some of the things you'd said to me, when you thought I was asleep. I didn't know what had possessed you to all of a sudden start to spout all of that at once…did you always do that when I was asleep?

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~This was the day I was gonna hurt you bad~

Dragging my feet out of bed, I headed for the closet. To grab a turtleneck, and then to the dresser to find a pair of jeans. Once I was dressed, I headed for the kitchen, expecting you to be there. Not a trace. Not of you even being awake. I found that odd, since you weren't in bed when I woke up.

I poured myself a cup of coffee, trying to figure out why I hadn't at least seen you yet this morning. 

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~Called out your name, but you didn't answer back~

Finishing my coffee, I got up and yelled down the hall.

"Quatre! I need to talk to you!"

No answer. Usually by now, you'd come looking for me, or you would have replied from where ever he was at. 

"Maybe he went out?" I muttered to myself. You sometimes went out to see Duo and Heero, who lived about an hour away. But you usually left a note when you did. Something definitely wasn't right around here.

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~I searched the house to find out what was wrong

like a ton of bricks, it hit me you were gone~

"Quatre?" I yelled

"Quatre!? Where are you. This isn't funny!" I yelled, as I ventured around the house. I walked around the house, and finally came to the only room that I hadn't checked. The Guest bathroom. The shower was running. 

"That's funny, I didn't hear it earlier." I muttered. Knocking on the door I yelled.

"Quatre? Are you in there?"

No answer.

"Quatre?"

Again, nothing.

"If you don't answer me… I'll break the door down!" I threatened. 

Still no response.

"I'm sick and tired of this . . . Quatre! I'm coming in there!" I said, reaching for the handle, and expecting it to be locked. Instead, it opened. The room was fogged up, and the shower was running full blast. I noticed the trail of red, leading to it. I followed it to the door, and opened it, to find you sprawled on the floor. Fully clothed. Blood running with the water into the drain, from your wrists.

My eyes widened in surprise and shock.

"Quatre!" I gasped, running to you. I checked your pulse… Nothing. You were gone.

I started to lose control of the emotions I usually kept barricaded. I openely wept for you. My eyes strayed to a note that sat on the counter, by the sink. Looking over to it, I slowly reached over and grabbed it. Letting you sink to the floor.

It read:

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Dear Trowa,

By the time you get this . . . It will have been too late. I'm already gone. I just wanted you to know I love you. I knew your intentions of leaving, and this has nothing to do with that. I know you were awake when I was speaking to you last night. The reason I need to escape, has nothing to do with you. But my own personal grief . . . all the lives I've ended…I can't take it anymore. I know it sounds really lame… But I just want you to be happy. Don't cry for me. Please, continue on.

I know I took the cowards way out. But if you think about it… I really was a coward. Remember the beginning of our relationship? Duo had to ask you for me . . . I was too chicken to do it myself. And all those other times, you stepped in for me, because I was too chicken to do it. Well, I guess it's catching up with me.

Please tell the others not to cry for me . . . I'm not worth being cried over.

Aishiteru,

Quatre Raberba Winner.

I stared at the letter in disbelief. Try as I might not to… I had to cry for you. Several minutes passed as I stood, getting soaked by the cold water. I couldn't feel it. I was too numb with shock.

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~It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving

Now that I know, just how much you care

You finally gave me one good reason 

Not to go, but staying here, is my worst fear~

I called the cops after I dried myself off… Which must have been close to an hour after finding you. I was still crying. The reality of the situation really began to sink in. And then, the guilt hit. 

I called the guys . . . They all were shocked. They sped over A.S.A.P. I really didn't want them here. But I had no choice. They showed up anyway. I think Duo offered the most condolences. He was flatout bawling with me. Funny, two grown men, bawling like women. But I guess that's what death does to you.

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~All along I knew that there was something missing

And only one thing left to do

I had to leave behind this life that we'd been living

But the only thing that left was you~

Something really hit me about a day after you died. I couldn't stay. The guilt, compiled with my nagging sense of lonliness. Which was steadily building.

I managed to find some Irony in the situation. I had intended on leaving, and was about to. But you beat me to the punch. Figures.

About two weeks after the funeral, I decided to put the house up for sale. You left it to me in your will, But I couldn't stay here. It was too painful.

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~It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving

Now that I know just how much you care

You finally gave me one good reason

Not to go, but being alone is my worst fear

And staying here is my worst fear~

I decided to go and work at the circus with Catherine again. To go back to how my life was during the war. Before I met you. Before I left town, I stopped at the graveyard with some roses. Ironically, the day I stopped, was Feburary 14. Valentine's day. I was with Wufei. He stood off to the side, as I said a small prayer.

Funny. An asthesist, saying a prayer for the soul of the one he loved.

"I'll miss you Quatre… I'll love you forever." I said, placing the roses on your headstone.

"We'd better go. The shuttle leaves in an hour." Wufei said, resting a hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah." I replied.

As I turned to leave. . . I thought I saw you. You were waving, and smiling brightly as to say, "It's time to move on. Be happy and don't mourn for me."

I nodded. You were right . . . I'd been depressed for over six months. I followed Wufei with a new attitude towards things.

I turned back and muttered 

"Thank you . . . Quatre." 

A/N. Wow. . .This is the angstiest thing I have ever written. Not to mention the most depressing. It took me less than an hour to write it. I actually cried. I can't believe I did that to Quatre. But the plot bunnies got to me.

I hope you like it. Some of the stuff is based off of reality. My best friend committed suicide a little over a year ago. That where that came from.

I hope you like it. To me, it's one of those pieces that get to you. And they make you tear up. I'm the type that bawls during weddings though, so don't take my word for it. But this song I used, it struck a chord big time. It kinda reminded me of my Ex too. He was going to leave me. But I beat him to it. Ironic huh?

Well, please R&R. I'll appreciate the feedback.

Ja

Naoko

16:29:31p.m.

3/11/02


End file.
